Judith Glaser in her book, “Conversational Intelligence,” writes about the connection between the body’s neurological system and how we interact with people. It is an academic read about the inner workings of our brain and body systems that validate our ability to build relationships with others. My “very loose” interpretation so far – “Where there is trust, there is peace. Where there is distrust, we build stories.”
Relationship is one of the hardest things for people. Glaser’s book breaks down the body’s intricacies for us to find and develop meaningful relationships. Even if we don’t know all the medical jargon, we intuitively know the cost of building a solid relationship. And yes, it does cost something.
“Where there is trust, there is peace.” (My words, not the authors.) Even though Glaser gives all the documentation how our bodies are triggered in building solid relationships, you and I instinctually know when we connect with someone. Something in you finds something in common, similar likes, things you agree on, a personality trait or you just like being around them. I interact with a lot of people and it still amazes me how I can meet someone for the first time and think, “I like that person. That is a friend.” When we feel good about someone, we begin to establish trust. We begin to give them latitude in our interactions and the foundation for a solid relationship is established. We are at peace in that relationship because we know they will not “hurt” us.
“Where there is distrust, we build stories.” (Again, me pontificating at a high level.) Glaser says this, “When what we say, what we hear, and what we mean are not in agreement, we retreat into our heads and make up stories that help us reconcile the discrepancies.” This really nailed me. I do this all the time. When I meet someone or a relationship goes south, I begin to build a story in my mind about them. “They think they are better than me,” “They live in a bubble and don’t know reality,” “It’s all about them,” “They don’t care about others,” and “If they really cared about me, they would…” Isn’t it amazing how one turn south and the stories flood our mind. Over time, stories left unchecked or not confronted, turn into novels. We write multi volume stories about a person and we dismiss them.
I know – you aren’t going to be friends with everyone. Let me challenge this – It is easier to build a story and a novel which leads to a dismissal than to find a way to establish trust and build a solid relationship. There are some relationships that need to be dismissed but I think there are so many more that need to saved.
Imagine what your day would look like if you today you fought for relationships and stopped building stories?