Insecurity is not my friend.

Not today or any other day.

I have grown so much in this area but it still challenges me more than I like. The saying that “everyone has insecurities” is probably more true than most of us would like to admit. The irony is that the same fears that would prevent us from admitting it are the same ones that keep us captive. Even as I was searching for an image for this article, I quickly noticed that there were very few pictures of men. So, it must be a female issue. I don’t think so. I have met men who have played sports at the highest level, created and run businesses, preached from the pulpit amazing sermons and many of them struggle with some form of insecurity. Its not a gender issue – it is a people issue.

There is a lot on this subject and I will break it down in future entries. Today, I will tell you how God moved me to the other side of the fence with insecurity. Before my wife wrote “Freedom,” she went through a time where God was challenging her get rid of things in her life not pleasing to Him. Then, she said to me, “I am getting rid of my junk, I think you need to do this too.” It was great when she was going through it but I wasn’t so excited about me going through this time of purging. I was content to say, “this is the way I am.” However, I took the challenge. She gave me a list of subjects and questions to pray through. I made a strong commitment to it – I would take the time after dinner when everyone would go do their thing and I would steal away with the list to pray and answer the questions. I took a whole month! I went on this amazing journey where God showed me things from my life that caused me to pick up stuff that “molded” me into the man I was. I remembered times where fear gripped me, like when I was circled up by a group of kids who wanted to beat me up. I remembered word that cut like “Daddy long legs,” “you’re not smart enough,” “have you ever considered remedial chemistry?” They seem so small now but back then they molded my thinking of who I was and what I could accomplish. I learned to adapt in situations so I was always striving to please people. At the end of the month, I had filled a notebook with stories from my life, scriptures and a strong resolve that I did not want to live like this anymore. I took the notebook and made a fire in our fire pit. I began praying over each of those situations and I did three things in each situation:

I prayed to surrender it to God.
I repented of allowing it to mold me into something contrary than the way God made me.
I forgave the individuals who did or said those things.

After it was all over, I burned the notebook.

The hollywood ending in me wants to tell you that I miraculously was set free from all that stuff. Well, I was. God, in his infinite love and power, did a house cleaning. All that junk was gone and I felt like I had a new freedom like never before. And I still do even eight years later. With this one caveat. The enemy still tries to come after me with fear, insecurity and the desire to please people. But the real win is that I am on “the other side of the fence.” I recognize what it is and I choose to follow what God’s word says and not go to the other side of the fence and let it back into my life. I don’t entertain it or play with it. And when the challenge get’s really tough, I go through the set of scriptures that helped me get free in the first place. God’s Word works!

Is it time for you to jump the fence?

This book was one of the biggest influences at GFC in 2013. We were blessed by one of our members to come do a training with all of our pastors and directors and he chose this book as his teaching point. Pastor Craig established from the very beginning that we would have an “honest, straight forward” environment. We will not back away from the hard conversations and we will be respectful, but forthright in our words. This book just reinforced his value for a work environment where people deal with issues and people straight on instead of going sideways. Do we do it 100% of the time – no. However, we are growing forward and picking up momentum in this area that it is more prevalent than ever before.

No one likes confrontation or pain. I do like pain if it means growth. And most of the time growth comes out of painful situations and conversations. I have learned that one of the greatest ways to convey respect to someone is to be honest with them. If I cannot be honest with you, then how can you trust me. Brutal honesty is many times just that – brutal and raw. If you value someone (and that is the key to a crucial conversation), you will be honest with them in a manner that will leave them with their dignity and self-worth.

“You confront the issue never the person.” My mentor, Bill Morris, says that all the time. It is a profound principle. If you are having a crucial conversation because you want to “get the person,” it will not be successful. Even if you make all your points and they are right, an obliterated person will not respond in a healthy way. I continue to learn this principle. It is so easy to go bomb someone with a crucial conversation. It takes a lot more work, preparation and even some prayer, to have a great crucial conversation. Yep, I pray over them a lot when I am initiating them. Once again, Bill gave me a great clarifier for my own heart before I enter into one of these exchanges. “Are you having the conversation because you are judging them or caring for them?” It is easier just to judge but we all know that the Bible tells us not to do it. And, if we took a step back, judging is all about me. There are so many “I’s” in it that it becomes unhealthy. If we enter into a situation with care as the primary motivator, we continue to bring out the truths but now the context is their steps of growth and improvement. Phenomenal concept if you are trying to build an organization and grow a team.

Here my final thought – this isn’t just for business. The phrase “crucial conversation” has shown up at church, home, and even relationship that are social. It has become a buzz word at my house and work so that when someone brings it up, he knows what is about to happen. I would hope that the people we love the most and interact with on a daily basis would be valued so highly, that we would be compelled to have crucial conversations that show value and care for them.

Growth can be painful at times…so worth the journey! Have that crucial conversation today and you will begin to see that culture, relationship and lives begin to grow.

Today is unusual.

I took this weekend off. I had a few extra PTO days and I know what it is going to take to go through the Christmas season at church. And honestly, I needed it. Ironically, I will miss being there at service tonight. I will find my clock turning around noon – my thoughts will be thinking about the people coming to hear about Christ, the worship experience and the conversations out on the brick pavers. In the end, it confirms what I have believed all along – it is about the people and how they can know grow in their relationship with Christ.

Even though I think about it for a time when I am gone, I can put it aside. I remember that we have a great team of staff and volunteers who are amazing and ministering at a very high level. It excites me that we have developed a congregation who reaches out to the Tampa community. That is another thing that I miss when I am not there…watching people use their gifts and talents to serve others. List an area of ministry and people are there to facilitate someone’s growth in Christ. I volunteered in the parking ministry two months ago and had a blast. Michael, Dave and Charles were tremendous in their ability to be the first smile as people drove in. I also learned that our people are quite friendly when they arrive – smiling and waving right back. (They also have a tendency to drive toward things/people they are waving at…it’s ok, I am an agile traffic person.)

I really can unplug. Learned this lesson the hard way. Once I have initially thought about the weekend, I find plenty of other things that I enjoy doing. I enjoy puttering around the house. Being raised by two parents who believe in a strong work ethic is a tremendous gift. Sitting around the entire weekend just isn’t an option. I am playing a little golf. Just picked up this sport about a year and half ago. Not great at it but I do love the mental challenge of it. Finally, there is a novel that I have been wanting to read that I haven’t been able to crack yet. I read pretty quick so my goal is to keep the tv off and read away. Kristin is away at a conference this weekend so it does help my have some time to myself.

So, I am off to enjoy a weekend of “Me” time. I will enjoy it and be ready for the Christmas/ New Year push. A weekend off is a great thing…watch out for me next weekend…following the great words of Arnold…”I’ll be back.”

Honestly, I don’t even remember how it started or when.

I am going to guess five years ago, one of our staff in the Weekend Experience area asked if we could have the entire staff help in decorating GFC. It was becoming too much strain on their small group of people and with all the extra hands, it would go a lot faster.

Brilliance comes in many ways!

WE just finished our Staff Decorating Day. Now that our staff is about 80 people, it is really one of the funnest days of the year at our offices. We start with breakfast together in the foyer at 8am. Everyone is tasked to bring either a breakfast or lunch item. A lot of energy as people gather before blessing the food – talking, laughing and connecting. We have a great breakfast! Some people are known for their “dish” and we look forward to them making it. Once it is blessed, we eat and hang out. It is cool to see people just relaxing and enjoying each other’s company.

Then,the magic of the day begins for me. We all get our assignments. I was on the Jingle Bell team this year and we were tasked to decorate the trees in the main offices. The magic isn’t the work – it is the time with the people on our staff. We all work hard at our jobs to create opportunities for people to grow in their relationship with Christ. This is a great time to enjoy those relationships in a different way. Let me give you some highlights from this year. I made tree chains with Mauricio (Printing Supervisor) who told me of his Christmas traditions in Dominican Republic growing up. Amazing stories. Charles (Director of Artwork) and I cut up on movies and last years staff ornaments. Kenyatta (180 Jr High) caught me up on his life while decorating the trees. Kaye (pastor’s wife) showed me how to measure a yard without a measurement stick while catching up. Alex shared his experience of how he came to GFC over lunch. JohnMichael caught me up on his life while I held hanging ceiling decorations for him. These are just a few interactions. Here is the magic – I see these folks and enjoy being with them when we are working. But I rarely get to slow down and just let them share their stories. When they do, it is pure gold to me.

I even got to see my oldest daughter, Taylor, who stopped by to drop off some projects to some of our staff members. It has become a “family” type day – wives, babies and grandchildren do have a way of dropping in to just say high to everyone and snag a cookie or two.

The GFC campus does get decorated. But, the huge win is the staff relationships are adorned in a different way. Relationship is far more important than the task. Isn’t that the way it should be?

Let me begin this entry by saying that I am not like all pastors, so what I am about to say is true only about me. You will have to ask other pastors how this question applies to them.

With that disclaimer out-of-the-way, here goes:

                       What is your Saturday preparations when you have Saturday services at 5pm?  

My church, Grace Family Church, has been doing Saturday night services for almost all of its history.  Other than the first year and the three stint where we rented out a 7th Day Adventist Church, we have been in Saturday night services.  One of the questions that is rarely asked is what do you do on Saturday morning.  Sometimes, I wonder if  people think we just arrive at church a little ahead of the congregation and just “do” the church service.  Truthfully, we spend a lot of prep time during the week to prepare all the facets of a weekend service – adult worship, adult teaching, children’s worship, children’s teaching, preschool curriculum prep, trainings, and overall preparation for First Impressions, parking, greeting, ushers, connect 2, the bookstore, and even our Starbucks.  It is an amazing group of staff and volunteers who come together to make a weekend service at GFC work.  When people are using their gifts and talents – it is impressive and humbling to watch as God takes our talents to another level and people get to accept Christ and grow in their relationship with Him.

What does a pastor do to prepare?  Again, I am a non speaking pastor so it might surprise you to know that I actually have a pre service ritual that I go through most Saturdays.  I treat it like a “work day” which means I will have a highly structured morning.  I will get up and have my own devotional time, I will update my Twitter with a verse and a leadership thought and then I will do my morning reading of the news. Then I will go do something active – ride my bike, go to a fitness class or go for a walk.  This is a good thing – it actually takes some energy out of me.  My adrenaline pumps for weekend services – sounds crazy, I know.   I can’t wait to see what God is going to do with all the preparations that have been done and how they impact people’s lives.  After the workout, I will go home and clean up and relax by reading, doing some stuff around the house or watching some football.  I eat lunch around 1 pm, which is significant because I have a hard time eating while I am at church. I will usually grab a protein bar between services but will not eat lots of food. I have tried and just can’t. (Are you picking up on all the weird idiosyncrasies – there are a bunch of them.)

I am at church around 3 pm.  It is totally on me – I have to be there early enough to walk the campus.  My maintenance guys are awesome – they work so hard to present a clean and inviting campus when the people arrive.  I will go to all the buildings  and ministry areas and just look around and touch chairs.  It is what I do.  I try to talk to ministry leaders in the children’s’ areas and make sure they are good to go.  (They always are!)  Then I walk into the sanctuary and talk to the sound team and check to make sure the air/ heat is on.  This is because one time the air wasn’t on and it was discovered too late. (Never again.)  Then I go to my office and get my notes for he services – yep, I have notes even when I am not speaking.  One of the coolest things that I started do a long time ago is meet with Pastor Craig before the service.  I am very grateful that he allows this to happen.  He is so prepared that we can talk for about 15 minutes just catching up on our weekends and what we did.  It is a special connection and one that I cherish very much.  Then, we review the service and then it is game time.  When I leave the room, I am in service mode and the rest is pretty much “whatever is needed, I am ready to do.”

This is my life in ministry and it may sound a little nutty.  I think it is but I won’t change it – I am having too much fun!

The day before Thanksgiving…and this is my view from the backseat of my son’s element.  Next to me is luggage, a road bike, a set of golf clubs and our little dog, Lizzie, snoring away next to a backpack.  Little did I know how amazing this little ride to O-Town was going to be.

As we drove, we began to talk about Casey and Katy’s upcoming wedding.  We discussed premarital counseling and they had some ideas about a particular person doing it.  It was fascinating to hear of their desire to have someone who they both felt comfortable with, full of wisdom and one they would both want to have as a resource after they had begun their marriage journey.  I was impressed.  They answered every question before I could even ask it.  They even said they wanted someone who would challenge them and not just give the “comfortable” answer.  I have been in ministry for 24 years – I wish more couples had that approach to marriage.

Then, Katy turned and asked me a powerful question.  She asked, “We have been trying to think of new things to discuss about us before we get married so they don’t surprise us when we are married?”  I was pretty amazed.  This is maturity, wisdom and a desire to grow all rolled into one question.  For the rest of the ride up we talked about topics in communication, finance, intimacy, expectations.  It was so rich for me personally because it really was a great journey for me to reflect on the growth that Kristin and I have seen over our 25 years of marriage.  And then to be able to pass that along or already see that in these two was so humbling and rewarding at the same time.  I realized at the end that I am still growing in so many areas of marriage and life.  I am so grateful that I get to do that with Kristin, she is the best!  I am excited for Casey and Katy because they are leaning into growing together and giving each other the opportunity to fail and succeed.

And to think that Lizzie slept the whole way…silly dog!

I am writing this entry as I begin the day before Thanksgiving.  I am taking a vacation day to go up to Orlando and play golf with my father in law.  The rest of the family will come in later this afternoon. (This is good – with adult children, I am learning that a couple of vehicles is essential to getting everyone around.)  I was thinking this morning, what makes for a good vacation day from the pastoral perspective.  I gave myself a 5 minute time limit and here is what I came up with randomly.

1.  No phone calls about church business.

2.  Emergency calls are part of being a pastor and are ok.

3.  No major decisions need to be made today.

4.  If I am on vacation, then someone who isn’t on vacation can handle the details.  I believe in you that much and you can do it. I would do the same for you.

5.  It is nice to not be the responsible for the group for a change.

6.  I love being with my wife and children.

7.  A few days away allows me to get a different perspective on so many things.

8.  I don’t need much rest but whatever I get, I appreciate it.

9.  I do miss the church and the people when I am not there – it really is an amazing place.

10.  Did I mention no phone calls about church business?

Happy Thanksgiving!  I am thankful that I get to do a job/ ministry I love with all my heart with people who are so gifted and talented.  You make the ministry a journey worth taking every day.

Bad communication.

The phrase seems to be imbedded in my life and role as a pastor.  This past week, the phrase came up a number of times. We work on this all the time and we encourage our staff to be aware of how they are communicating – their words, body language, facial expressions and overall approach.  It is the greatest challenge for our organization and we are growing improving.  But this week, we stumbled.  Better said…I stumbled.  Every conversation I had about improving communication revolved around me and where I had blown it.

If you ever wondered what it is like to be a pastor, one concept you will begin to realize is that you will be misunderstood and conversations will go differently than you envisioned.  You can’t control how others filter your words and actions but you have a great responsibility to communicate to eliminate as much “confusion” as possible.  The instances that I learned from this week showed me once again the importance of slowing down – you can’t communicate well if you aren’t willing to give the time to the situation.  What I thought was a “drop by” should have been a “listening moment.”  I appreciate my good friend’s courage to come to me the next day and share their disappointment in my lack of interest in hearing their thoughts on the situation.  As I am hearing the disappointment, my mind is racing to find an adequate excuse.  Don’t we always want to find the reason and put all the blame on it.  It only took seconds for me to realize that I was wrong because I didn’t recognize that I misread the situation and didn’t lead well.  So, I took the first step in conquering bad communication – I owned it.  They were right and I appreciated the chance to grow.

The other two situations came from people I don’t know as well but were bold enough to give me some feedback of their first impression of me.  Frankly, both felt I came across “arrogant” and for two entirely different reasons.  As each unfolded their impressions and how they came to them, I  was pretty surprised.  One was based on a comment I made (which wasn’t directed at them) and another was the fact that I can be pretty quiet in a group setting.  As they shared, I went into growth mode.  If someone has the guts to share something that difficult, I will listen to them.  In the end, I might agree or disagree but I respect the fact that they care enough to share.  I often make this comment – “All I can do is grow forward.”  I believe that.

Let me point out one contradiction.  These men in the infancy of our relationship wanted to re-establish a good foundation for our relationship and were willing to endure some painful moments to get the misconceptions out of the way.  I respect that.  Here is my contradiction – I will not listen to everybody who has a problem with me.  After 24 years of ministry, I have learned that some people want to blame you for their problems and bad communication of their own.  I will not own someone else’s stuff.  I will be pleasant but direct and straightforward about the situation.  I have seen pastors become the “whipping boy” for someone to dump their problems.   It usually will come down to the person’s attitude and heart – if you are willing to grow as much as I am, I will invest in that journey.  If you are communicating to find a new person to point a finger at so you can feel better about yourself, then it will be a short conversation.

Bad communication flat-out stinks.  The growth comes when one or both parties are willing to call it out in an attitude of growth and humility.  Tough stuff  – but  growth doesn’t come without a little stretching.