“The key to winning is poise under stress.”  Paul Brown

This quote has been resonating in my mind the last few days.  Recent events in sports has brought this principle to light.  Lot of finger pointing about who did this, who said this and why they were wrong.

You don’t see anyone pointing fingers at themselves.

There is one thing I can assure is going to happen with all athletes, high achievers and those who are at the top of their game.  I have never seen someone elude this result.

Ultimately, they are not going to be the one who wins.

This is true in sports as it is in business, relationships, ministry and life.  We are all going to lose at one time.  We are all going to face stress and pressures.  We are all going to have people question our actions, motives and decisions.  It can be as big as financial decisions, job changes or bold steps of faith.  It can be as small as what to wear today or what to eat.  We all have opinions about other people.

What do you do when other people are causing you stress?

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.                 Phillipians 4:6, 7 NLT

I have learned that I cannot control others.  Like a coach, I can teach, demonstrate and speak into someone’s life, but I cannot make them do anything.  Also, I cannot control my external circumstances.  I cannot control how certain things happen in my life.  Life happens and you have to deal with it.

However, the one thing I have direct control over is me.  My thoughts, attitude, words and actions are all under my command.  I have the clear ability to look at any situation and determine my course of thinking, speaking and taking action.

The tension is there every day of poise and stress.  Integrity and stress.  Character and stress.  Success and stress.  Challenge and stress. It isn’t going away.

In applying Paul’s words, I need to do a couple things:

1.  Go to God and tell Him what I need.  A novel concept – tell God that something is bigger than you and say this is what I need…not want. (Ahh, there is the kicker, need not want.)
2. Thank Him for what he has done.  Can I show gratitude when it isn’t going my way or even more challenging, when I do get what I desire?
3. I will experience peace. Here is the toughest statement of the whole post – Some people enjoy chaos more than they enjoy peace.  They would rather have their “hair on fire” – it makes them feel like they are in control or paying the price for the situation.  Why do that when Jesus paid the ultimate price and God offers me peace even when I don’t understand it?
4. His peace will guard my heart and mind.  As goes my heart (emotions, passions, desires) and my mind (intellect, decisions, actions) – so goes me.  If I let his peace guard those things, I will move forward with greater growth.
5. In Christ Jesus.  I need to acknowledge that I am not self sufficient.  I am fallible and can be broken.  Only God can mend me and make me whole.

Today, you are facing stress.  What is your next step?

Twenty days.

In twenty days, I will walk my beautiful daughter, Abigail, down the aisle.  This will be Kristin and I’s last wedding as parents of the bride or groom.  It has been a day that I have been excited about for many years.

Abigail was given the nickname “Blue” after I came home after a church softball game and she met me at the door.  She was two and half years old with those wild curls and big eyes.  So energetic and so full of life.  She had a way of making me smile back then.

Her rise to teen years brought forth a personality and style that was all her own.  Her siblings may have sung on stage but Abby was a show stopper.  She was bold and strong.  She played Snoopy in a play and just had a way of drawing everyone into her role.  She played basketball and tried new things. She was unafraid and made others around her bolder to try new things.  She had a way of making me smile back then.

Something amazing happened as Abby got older. She stopped being the center of attention and began to really love doing things behind the scenes.  She led small groups, she served in ministries “out of the limelight,” and she impacted lives.  I am amazed at how many people still come up to me and say, “There is something about Abby…”  She had a way of making me smile back then.

Abby took young adulthood by storm.  She did the things she felt led to do.  She nannied for three families – she loved other people’s children like they were her own.  She served at a summer camp for a  summer and made lasting friends for life.  She traveled and did things that would sound amazing.  She became “family” with the New York Yankees security guys and got to lead a bible study for the player’s wives.  I would hear stories like that and it would make me smile.

She came home to Tampa.  She became a personal trainer, started her own nanny business, became a realtor, got engaged to a tremendous guy and is preparing for marriage.  She is strong, determined and still loves people.  Watching her blossom made me smile.

I woke up this morning praying for Abby and her fiance.  Twenty days…she will be his wife.  She is entering into the newest chapters of her life.  She is ready for this.  She is beautiful, strong and going to impact a lot of people in years to come.

She will always make me smile.

I sit in silence.

Early morning and the temperature is so perfect, even the AC/Heat is quiet.  The dog is walked and fed.  And my lovely bride of twenty eight years is sleeping soundly upstairs.  It is 5am.

I have been asked a lot about “How does it feel to be empty nesters?”  I really hadn’t thought about it much.  Abby moved out in early December to prepare for her new life on the coast when she gets married at the end of the month.  It made perfect sense that she wanted to start preparing for “life” when she is done with all the festivities.  Holidays were filled with things to do and people to see.  It finished with a Christmas Eve schedule that was extensive but so worth it to see the gospel shared.

Monday, I came home to an empty house.  Kristin was still at the church finishing her daily work and I arrived to be greeted by our dog. After taking care of her, I sat down to silence.  Now, I am an introvert by nature so silence is a great thing for me to recharge and remember my day.  I made a few phone calls and was back in silence.  Sounds sad, doesn’t it?

It’s not.  Here is what I feel about being an empty nester.

A sense of accomplishment.  I am excited and proud of the kids who have lived in this home of over twenty years and are now making their own homes and families.  Our kids (biological and “adopted”) are doing some great stuff with their lives.  It is great when they come over and we get to see them but I love they leave to are create their own environments for their families.  They are good.  They know and love God.  They love others. Are they perfect – no way.  Couldn’t teach them that because I do not know how to be perfect.

A sense of “me time.”  Sounds selfish but for the first time in my life, I can plan my day around me. I don’t have to tip toe around in the morning or stay up later than I want.  I am reading, listening to music, working out, playing golf and able to enjoy spending time with people we have wanted to connect with now.  Yes, I did all that before but now I it is a whole lot easier.

A sense of anticipation.  This is my biggest feeling that I am enjoying.  It is like we are now in a new stage of life that holds endless opportunities.  I don’t know what the Lord has in store for us but we both have a lot of gas in the tank.  We feel strong in the ministries that God allows us to lead.  (More excited about GFC than ever before!)  We both love our families and relationships.  We both love to explore new things – so who knows what we may do or turn into a trip.  We both love to grow and expand our experiences.  We have new pages to write and we both can’t wait to see how the Lord will fill those up.

And we love being home with our kids and grandkids when they come over.  We eat, we laugh, we get on the floor and wrestle (grandkids only), and we love.  And then they go home.

The silence returns…and it is good.

Happy New Year!  I hope all who read this enjoyed a wonderful time over the holiday of time with family and loved ones.  It is always a special time of year.

A number of years back, P. Craig implemented the idea days off for the staff the week after Christmas.  We still did weekend services, but the office was closed.  This is always a great time of recharging, getting things done that got put off during the Christmas season and prepping for a new year.

With a rested mind and body, I woke up this morning ready for our first weekend services of 2016.  I always treat Saturday like a work day because it really is.  The morning is mine – the rest of the day is His.  We have had Saturday night services at GFC since back in the strip mall in its second year.  I am used to working Saturdays.  And honestly, if I wasn’t a pastor, I would attend Saturday night.  Less crowds, the courtyard, and no traffic.

So what does my day look like?  I get up around 6 am.  I do my devotion, my daily reading and any correspondence that is needed.  By 7:30, I am in the car for my class workout at my gym, Fit Personal Training.  After class, I come home and eat and take care of “piddly” things around the house.  Even though I am not a “speaker” at church, I “flip” at noon.  Flipping for me is when my mind begins to think about the services.  I will begin to run through the order of the service, the things that I need to check on and the people involved.  Many times, I will be praying through all these details and situations asking for the Lord’s presence.  Services are like a weekly NFL game – if you take it for granted and you don’t put the time in, it shows.  You do the work during the week and allow God to lead you through the weekend.

By 2:00pm, I am getting cleaned up and at the church by 3pm.  I have found that I do better if I am at services two hours before.  I will walk around the campus and greet some of the staff and volunteers – all the time, looking at the campus to catch details or things I need to know. By 3:30, I am in the sanctuary listening to the Praise and Worship team go through their songs and watching the slides on the screen.  When P. Craig arrives, we have our weekly talk about our weekends and life stuff for a few minutes.  Then we prep the service and any changes.  By 4:30, I touch the ceiling of the south entrance and go into the foyer to stand at the stairs and greet.  Has that changed much since moving into the new building in 2006.  No, it hasn’t.  Ironically, I still get excited to see what God will do in weekend services.  It really is like gearing up for the big game – when you know people are going to have the opportunity to have a relationship with God, what better feeling is there?

So, does all that make a difference?  I am not a speaker, a singer, a musician, or a skilled tech on the camera, lights or sound board.  I am a behind the scenes component.  One that prays that God will reach the one who needs him that day.  One that is grateful for every volunteer and staff who work so hard. One that wants that first timer to have a great experience.  One that is humbled that God uses us to reach a city that needs Him so desperately.  So, does it make a difference…I know it does!

I am writing.  Yes, I am writing.

I am sitting in a very quiet house on Christmas morning.  I was up early thanks to a dog who didn’t realize that her owner got to bed around 1:30am.  After six amazing Christmas Eve services, seeing people come to know Christ, volunteers and staff take it to a new level of serving and preaching two candlelight services that still takes my breath away – I am sitting quietly and writing for the first time in a long time.  I am tired, my legs are sore and I have a headache.

But I am filled with joy.

I shared last night that it has been a year of ups and downs.  It really has been some amazing highs and challenging lows.  You would think two new grand babies and an engaged daughter would cause me to write everyday.  You would think some of life’s curveballs would cause me to pour out all that God was doing in my heart into my blog.  Seeing lives dramatically affected by death, health challenges and even tremendous blessings would empower me to share.  But, I didn’t.

I am filled with hope.

I spent the last few months taking my writing time and putting into my “get into God’s presence” time.  I purposely would sit in my own “war chair” and talk with God about all that I was seeing in my life and in the lives I intersected with each day.  Some days were amazing – God’s presence was so tangible and rich.  Others were quiet and God allowed me to simmer.  It was such an amazing growth time for me to share my heart with God by just telling what I was observing, feeling and desiring.

I am filled with anticipation.

I am ready for 2016.  I know it will be the best year yet for me, my family, GFC and those who encounter.  Will there still be ups and downs – yes.  But, here is my verse that I started praying in 2015 and will see the fulfillment of in the upcoming year.

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.”  I Corinthians 2:9

It’s going to be a great year!

On Tuesday, October 27th, around 10:15pm, Graham Nolan Bonham was born.  He is healthy, strong and big.  We are blessed.

I received the text as I was going into our All GFC Staff meeting that they were headed to the hospital that morning.  I got there around 11:45am and quickly realized that Kristin and I were going to be a little early to the party.  Katy was progressing well, so we got lunch, went home and changed into more comfortable clothes and went back to the hospital.  We had a great visit with the expecting parents and then I settled into the waiting room.  Here are some of my observations from there:

• I hate waiting rooms.  Even with the World Series on, my Kindle’s latest book, and a bathroom close by, I still hate waiting rooms.  If I am in one, it means I am waiting.  Whereas I have grown in my patience, I don’t want to go to specific place to do it.
• I like seats that give you an option of a desk…great idea and very useful.
• All the great snacks taste different in a hospital…(except pizza – we learned that with Reese – pizza in a hospital is the most unhealthiest thing to eat and it tastes great!)
• There is a sense of helplessness that comes with being in the waiting room.  Less than 30 yards from our “patients” and yet we can’t do much to help them…except
• Prayer.  God shows up in waiting rooms.  It is amazing how in the quietness of one of those uncomfortable seats (with the cool desk option), God hears prayers.  There was a small window where it was just me. I talked, God listened.  God talked, I listened.  I realized once again how small I am and how BIG He is.
• Family means so much to me.  As it drew closer to delivery, I looked around the room, Christopher and Ian were looking at pictures, Taylor and G-Ma were playing with Reese, Chloe was talking with Abby, Darel was watching the World Series and Kristin was chatting with everyone. Katy’s sister and brother and his wife were there as well.  As I looked, I realized the power of family…in the good times and the tough ones.  We have all had those journeys.  The people in that room bring strength, joy and love in their own way.  How cool they were all there!

Last thing…as I left the waiting room to go back and see my newest grandson, I paused and looked back.  It was empty now.  All of the kids had left to go home.  I remember thinking…thank you God for the waiting room.  You reminded me once again that life has many waiting rooms.  I don’t enjoy the wait.  But when God puts you in the waiting room, you slow down, you look around, you realize what is important…and eventually, you get to leave the room to go on to the next part of your journey.

Go get em!

About three months before the movie, “War Room,” was released, I began to really spend my devotional time in prayer.  As the movie began to gain in popularity, so many people told me how it renewed their life and their time of prayer.

I was going through my own renewal.  Of the four disciplines that I choose from in my devotional time (read the bible, prayer, worship or solitude,) prayer is usually the one that challenges me the most.  I can come up with all the excuses to not sit down and spend time praying.  During this season, I couldn’t get to to prayer fast enough.  I looked forward to spending time with God, asking for wisdom, insight, peace, a greater sense of his presence and forgiveness.  In honor of the movie, I titled our oversized chair in our family room as the “War Chair.”  It was comfortable, inviting and my time with God was so rich.

It was about this time that Taylor was about a week from giving birth to Reese.  One early morning, she was pretty uncomfortable from her pregnancy.  She came out and slept in the chair before even I got up.  When I saw her there, I actually had the thought, “I wonder if I can wake her up and have her move to another room…she is in my ‘War Chair.'”  I decided not to do that and went our to my car…not the same effect but still good prayer.  I mentioned it to my workout partner, Pastor Dale.  He looked at me with his years of wisdom and experience ands asked, “You really thought about waking up a woman getting ready to give birth to a baby in a week and asking her to move?”  I even told Taylor the story and she laughed about it.

So what did I learn.  My “War Chair” can be anywhere and my prayer times continue to be really good.  Whether you have a room or a favorite chair, take prayer with you wherever you go. (And let sleeping, pregnant people alone.)

My journey continues….

In the next few days, I am going to be a grandfather again.  My title is “Pop.”  Both my grandfathers were Pop and the tradition continues. My daughter Taylor has two children.  I love playing with Jaxon, my 20 month old grandson and my 5 week granddaughter, Reese is amazing and beautiful.

This new addition has a different wrinkle to it.  This will be the first time for my son.  I remember the day he and Katy told the family.  It was Mother’s Day and they gave Kristin a card with a picture of them holding a positive pregnancy test in it.  I couldn’t see the card so while she screamed and teared up, I was grabbing for the card to figure it out.  After realizing the good news, I looked at Casey to see him beaming.  Then, in a flicker of a moment, his face changed to show the magnitude of what was happening really hitting him.  It was a powerful, special moment.  Amidst all the excitement and hugs, I thought, “He gets it.”

Casey and I have enjoyed some tremendous talks through the years.  It started with the “dates” that I enjoyed with him and his sisters growing up.  Casey would talk about everything.  It was that foundation that allowed us to talk about the “hard things” as he grew older into manhood.  Before he got married, we went to six Lightning games.  Before each game, we would go to a pizza place on Harbor Island and discuss different aspects of marriage.  Even as we had a special few days before his wedding, we had our final talks and I thought, “He is ready for this.”

The days leading up to the birth of his son have been busy.  He is making sure all his responsibilities are covered.  He is finishing up things around the house to prepare for the arrival.  I have been running pretty fast too.  He stopped by my office and we chatted for a few minutes about life and how all that is going to change this week.  As he left, I hugged him, gave him our kiss on the cheek and thought…”You are going to be the best dad.”

So we wait for my son’s son.  He already is making an impact.

I have been working on something in my leadership that has been challenging me quite a lot.  I have a lot of “energy” when it comes to intense situations.  My heart pounds faster, my mind goes into overdrive and I am ready to “go after” the solutions.  Lately, I have been trying to “slow myself down.”

When the GFC Wednesday Night Bible Study was in the book of James, Tony Dungy shared on James 1:19 NIV “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”  He nailed it and in the process gave me a great template for dealing with intense situations.

 Quick to Listen.  I will never learn something while I am talking.  When I share my own views, thoughts and feelings, it only reverberates what I already know.  I need to hear what others are thinking so I can get a better understanding of where they are coming from, any blind spots I may have or I may actually learn something.  One of the best ways to actively listen – ask questions.  By asking questions, I am inviting that person to share and I learn so much.  For those who feel like they need to be the expert, you will struggle going to new places if you feel like your ideas are the only good ones.

Slow to Speak.  This is a big one for me.  I am growing in my ability “not to interrupt.”  I used to listen to someone and when I heard something I wanted to comment on, I would jump in.  Now, I listen until the  end.  I find that when I do that, I get a better perspective on how to proceed.  By not jumping in too quickly, I save myself the extra efforts of back tracking or confusing the conversation.  And a quick secret tip.  I have found that in most group situations, when someone talks…they think that the exchange went better.  People want to feel valued and one of the ways to do that is to encourage them to share.

Slow to Anger.  I learned the power of forgiveness allows me to walk without  a lot of baggage.  I can point a finger at a lot of people (And they can at me too – I am far from perfect.)  What I have learned is that it isn’t productive or healthy for me.  I forgive and forget pretty quickly.  Do I continue that relationship as it was – most of the time it changes. Depending on the situation, I establish healthy boundaries in that relationship which allows me to think the best of them and move on. Honestly, as I get older, I realize that all of us are on a journey and have our own stuff to deal with it.  I am responsible for mine own faults and problems, not yours.

Next time you are in a “crucial conversation” or an intense situation, slow it down.  The results will amaze you.