Many people enjoy the fact that I stand at the bottom of the main staircase at Grace Family Church during our weekend services. It is a strategic location; it allows me to see practically all of the things I am monitoring during the service. It also allows my staff and key volunteers where I will be if needed. Finally, it allows me to answer questions from people. I thought I would give you a sampling from this past weekend…

– “Where are the bathrooms?”

– “Have you heard the one about the priest, the doctor and the engineer?”

– “Where do you get tickets for the Daddy Daughter Dance?”

– “Is your wife here today?”

– “Who do we talk to about volunteering in the children’s ministry?”

– “I have a question about tithing…”

– “Did you know there is a hornet’s nest in a garbage can outside?”

– “Will you come pray over and bless our house?”

– “Have you seen Pastor Craig?”

And my favorite that I get more often than you think – “Are you one of the pastors here?” Asked while I am wearing my name tag that says “Chris Bonham, Pastor.” I actually find this funny. Even more funnier when I preach a sermon. Usually, someone will come up and say, “I didn’t know you were a pastor. I thought you were just a really faithful volunteer who liked to greet.”

As you can see, it isn’t my most spiritual role. Yet, I love this time each week. I minister to people by being available. I am accessible and people know where to find me. Are you available? You might say “yes”, but do you strategically put yourself in a place where people can reach you with a question or need? Your answer may challenge you to do something different.

Being married to a pastor isn’t easy. Most people attend church as a family, they sit together, they get to enjoy the message together. They ride home talking about the church, the music and the message. For my entire ministry of over twenty five years, that has not been the case for Kristin and I. We drive separately, serve in different parts of the church on the weekend and sometimes, we sit with each other for the message part. Not true for all ministers, but for true for us.

When I was asked to share on “serving your spouse” recently, I thought a lot about what Kristin signed up for when she married me. I am extremely grateful that she decided a long time ago to go on life’s journey with me. She is an amazing source of wisdom, strength and grounding. Briefly, here are the four points I shared with the group based off the following scripture:

“…So he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.” John 13:4-5 NIV

1. “Took off outer clothing” – Be Real with your spouse.

It is easy to put up a facade with people, including your spouse. One of the greatest compliment you can give your spouse is to be honest with him/her. Are you totally genuine and real with your spouse about all topics, including the big three: money, sex and communication. Kristin and I use couch time to do this. We talk almost everyday about everything going on in our life. We are honest and open and it has made a tremendous difference in our marriage.

2. “Wrapped a towel around his waist” – Humility.

What would your marriage look like if you had a new level of humility in it? Would you listen more, do something new, allow your spouse to take the lead in something because they are better at it, and would you be grateful? Best advice I ever got in marriage was from Pastor Stan Lasco. He said, “A marriage will never fail if both people have this mindset…”No one needs to change but me.”

3. “He poured water into a basin” – Empower your spouse.

It is my job to empower Kristin to pursue all that God has created her to be. That doesn’t mean I make it happen…it means I develop the resources and environments for her to flourish in her gifts and talents. She wasn’t created to be in my shadow. She was made to shine in all that God has called her to do. So, I need to find out what she wants to do and then do all that I can to keep her moving forward in that pursuit.

4. “Began to wash his disciples feet” – Do Something!

Serve is an action verb. Do something. Don’t just think it is a cool idea – do it! Do something today for your spouse, knowing that it will change in the future. What works in serving Kristin today is probably going to change as we get older. She will have different needs and she will be doing different things. Let me give examples of serving from our past:

Our 3 kids under 5 – I came home and took the kids out of the house;
Our 3 kids in Elem school – I came home to three kids and Kristin would go out of the house;
Our 3 kids in Jr/Sr High – Kristin wanted movies, date nights
Our first grandchild – I fill up her car with gas every week.

You hold all the power to change your marriage by serving your spouse! Start today!

Death doesn’t win.

As I write this, I am coming off of attending a funeral this weekend of a little warrior who lived for 340 days. I am attending a funeral tomorrow of a friend’s dad this week and another one in two weeks. In my quiet time, I talk with God like he is in the chair next to me. Others may find it silly, but if prayer is talking with God, I have lots to say and lots of questions.

These deaths are rattling around in my thoughts. Why a child? How can this person die like this? How does God’s sovereign timing come into play? These are real life challenges with grief, pain and sadness involved. I feel for each of my friends – people who love God, living life to honor him and doing their best to impact the lives of others. These are tough days.

My thoughts always funnel down to this one thought…Jesus, the hope of glory. This is the difference between someone who believes on Jesus as the Christ and Savior of the world versus someone who chooses not to believe. What do you put your hope in when you face a difficult situation? Without Christ, you are left to anything you can fabricate on your own – your talents, relationships, thoughts and supports. You still get those with a relationship with Christ but when you add God to the equation, you moved from the natural to the supernatural. Eph 3:20 says “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us…” Whatever we can accomplish with our own gifts, talents, thoughts and relationships, God is still far beyond what we can imagine.

Hope is a big word to me in this time. I learned a great lesson when I did the funeral of a dear little boy named Ezra. He battled cancer and lived 800 days. I shared at the funeral that day, “On the day that Jesus was crucified, no one celebrated the cross. It was the most severe, heinous and gruesome way to die. It was centered on pain and agony. No one rushed to the cross and said ‘thank you Jesus for the cross.’ Yet, this most gruesome death in history was also linked to the most glorious event in history. The resurrection of Christ! We celebrate the cross today because God used it to bring us into personal relationship with Him.” That is the same hope that I have today. These deaths, though tragic, are part of God’s master plan. My hope is in Him to take our sorrows today and make them into something beautiful tomorrow. I couldn’t do this…but I know He can.

You might say, “I am not facing death today.” Maybe it is another “giant” with another name. It still is daunting; challenging you to stop in your tracks and stay there. Read Ephesians 3:20 again and ask yourself, “Who is my hope in?”

Like most people, when I hear Harry Chapin’s “Cats in the Cradle” song, it is haunting, moving and one of the toughest songs to listen to. It is all about opportunity missed and relationship that does not connect within a father son context. And it has that infamous lyric, “And when I hung up the phone it occurred to me, He had grown up just like me, My boy was just like me.” Over the last two weeks, those words have reverberated in my mind. Not from opportunity missed but to see Sunshine fulfilling what the Lord has called him to do. Permit me to share three, short stories.

I date my kids. I started with Casey when he was three. What did we talk about then? Thomas the Tank Engine and “Here comes the Fire Truck.” I don’t really care deeply about either of those but they meant a lot to him and he had lots to say, so I listened. Over the years, those gave way to many things: the Bucs, drums, God, girls, school, sex, career, the church, cerebral palsy, and love. When Casey got engaged, we took our monthly date to another level. We got hockey tickets and would go to dinner before our monthly game. We intentionally talked about different aspects of marriage, being a husband and eventually a dad. On the morning of his wedding, I said to him, “I have poured everything I know to tell you to this point in your life.” It was a moment that neither of us will ever forget.

Casey is in Grace Family’s MIT (Minister in Training) program for individuals who feel a call into professional ministry. It is a tough program that includes college bible courses, on call responsibilities and pastoral care involvement. He also had to give his first sermon. I watched him do this at our Married Life large group on Thursday night. In front of 160 people he shared on the Nature of God is Love. I watched as a dad, not as an Executive Pastor. When he shared how cerebral palsy didn’t define him, tears streamed down my cheeks (as they do now). When he shared a picture of me at the age of seven, he said this. “You might think this is me. It is not. It is my dad. I don’t look at this picture and wonder if I am his son. I know I am his.” He went on to tell how if we have accepted Christ, we don’t have to wonder if He loves us and we are His. Casey did good that night…real good.

Finally, Casey did his second funeral with Pastor Jerry White. The first funeral, he observed and helped in the background. The second one, he was very much in the middle of it. It was for a beautiful little girl who passed after 340 days of living. Everly was a fighter and the funeral was a celebration of her amazing fight to live. I told Casey two things before the funeral – talk slow and this is one of the toughest funerals to do, a child’s. (Every one is tough but having done a few children’s funerals, they just are difficult to do.) It was while the mother was sharing that I glanced over at Casey, who was on stage. He stood about 10 feet away, intently watching, ready to provide assistance if needed. Just like I would have done. He looked so strong and resolute; focused on helping this family and loved ones resolve their questions and pain. He was doing what God has called him to do. He was a bridge for others to see God in a difficult time.

“He had grown up just like me, My boy was just like me.” Those lyrics are haunting. But in this case they are wrong. He isn’t just like me. He is his own person, with his own expression and he owns his relationship with God for himself, not me. I am humbled and I am proud. And I look forward…to today, tomorrow and the next, to see what new lives he will impact.

Last night, GFC had its First Step Class.  I am the self – designated greeter.  That means I stand on the brick pavers, greeting and directing people to where they are going for the evening.  If you only attend on a weekend, you are truly missing it.  So much of GFC happens from Monday through Saturday morning.  We have classes, small groups, trainings, and some really cool hang out environments.

Back to last night.  In my 40 minutes out there directing people, here are a couple of  “conversations from the pavers:”

• One person was there to start singing with the choir – didn’t know anybody or where to go. (So cool!)
• People going to “First Thing,” “Starter something,” “P. Craig’s class,” and my favorite “they talked about this thing on Sunday and we are supposed to go to it” class.  I directed them to the coffee and the First Steps classroom.
• People going to a Freedom class – so proud of them!
• Men reminding me that we had Courageous in the Sanctuary last week and now they were in the gym.  I told them that it wont be by the retention pond next week…stick with the gym.
• Musician looking for music practice with guitar in hand…asked him if he was any good.  He smiled and said, “Yes, I am.”  I loved that!
• Talked about a new small group geared toward first responders and military veterans of all ages.  Humbled by the men and women who serve our country each day.
• Talked with two guys about our Foundations class – knowing the basics of how to grow as a Christian.  Great leaders, great hearts…truly making an impact.
• Laughed a lot.  People need a good laugh.  So did I.
• Saw Sunshine walking across the courtyard with a music stand in hand and another band member in tow.  Proud of him – he is answering God’s calling.
• Watched our Childcare team welcoming kids with a smile.  They do such a great job of loving on kids while their parents are in First Step.
• Saw a pair of the most gnarled fingers I have ever seen from playing ten years of professional football. You pay a price for your profession no matter what it is. (Actually this was during the class break but wow, it was memorable.)
• Finally, I saw a mentor, a “brother” and a whole lot of friends in a short span.  A true “people” moment.

So here’s my “What if” question.

What if one of those people decided to stay home and not show up at GFC on a rainy Tuesday night, after a full day, with all of life’s challenges and roadblocks…what if they didn’t show up?

Sometimes, 40 minutes can reaffirm…this is why you are here.

“Jesus wept.” John 11:35

This verse has been on my mind lately.  One of the most “memorized” verses of all time, quoted by children and adults and it is working on my heart today.  The context is Jesus going to Lazarus’ tomb after he had been dead for days.  Comforting sisters, Mary and Martha, he is overcome by the emotion of the moment and begins to weep.  Strength, power, raw emotions, weakness, humility, frailty and humanity are words I have heard to describe this moment.  Today, another one comes to mind.  Real.

I was called to the hospital this week.  When you have known someone for twenty years and they ask you to come, you go.  I am sure there are some who are “great” at hospital visits – they have a scripture for every situation, the perfect words to say, the affirming look and touch of the arm to let them know it is going to be ok.  If you want that person to visit you, don’t call me.  I go into a hospital visit praying the whole time.  I am not sure what I am walking into, what to say, what to ask and when it comes to touching things, I use a lot of sanitizer. (I worked in a hospital in college – sanitizer is a good idea.)

This visit was “real.”  It was a tough situation with not a lot of answers.  There was pain and uncertainty.  But the moment I struggled with the most was when the granddaughter was leaving and kissed her grandfather on the cheek.  I was reminded of the opening verse – the emotion of the moment.  Yet, this little girl wasn’t upset; she was just so glad to be with her grandfather.  In fact, as others were leaving, she asked if she could stay.  I teared up in the corner of that room with no remorse.  She showed me the power of proximity, relationship and love. I left a few minutes later with tears in my eyes.  Real is good.

Emotions are important.  They should not be the foundation for our lives.  But they do serve a purpose.  They are like a “release valve” on a pressurized system.  When I use my one gallon sprayer, I fill it with the liquids and shut the lid.  Then, I pump, pump, pump a lot of air into the canister so I can spray the contents.  You are a pressurized system.  All of life’s challenges, requirements and expectations are on you every day.  They come from all places – people, jobs, tasks and yourself.  Emotions are how we “vent” out those pressures.  Sighs, tears, laughter, anger, remorse, grief, forgiveness and many others are so important in dealing with our daily lives.  The key is to find the healthy way to show these emotions so they are moving you forward.  And if you are wondering, they don’t show weakness.  Real is good.

Jesus was transparent enough to show his emotions…shouldn’t we?  Real is good.

Valentines Day is an interesting day for me as a pastor.  The “Love” holiday has so many ways to take it –  some go for “romance,” some go for “fun,” some go for “gifts and demonstrations” and umpteen other ways of expressing love.  I have never been one to get too excited about Valentines Day – I know all the romantics just raised a hand to object.  Let me share a story from this past V- Day.

I was driving home after an amazing dinner party with excellent food and company.  Kristin and I were driving home with another couple and Kristin was talking in the back seat.  I wasn’t terribly focused on what she was saying until I heard her say  something like this: “Love in a marriage is about finding the one who you know you can go through stuff with and be stronger on the other side.  You know you going to make it. You work at it and you grow.”   I didn’t say anything at the time but I thought about it a lot the next morning.  I agree with her whole heartedly.  At first hearing it, you ask, “What about romance? What about emotions?  Feelings?”  In our marriage, we still get all those.  Yet, they are not our foundation.  We got married when we were both twenty years old.  If that was our basis for love, it would have taken some serious blows over the years. Yet, our foundation is commitment, communication and growth.  We were at a marriage retreat early in GFC’s start and we came up with a mission statement for our marriage. “To live, love, laugh and know each other best.” With those qualities, our relationship moves forward with a confidence that we can weather whatever we experience with each other and the circumstances in our lives.

Hearing her say that made me think the next morning – “Our love has grown.”  Then I found this really great quote by Chinese philospher, Lao Tzu:

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

I love that thought…and the one it makes me think of…she is amazing!

I was watching GFC’s Children’s ministry, The Zone, the other day.  They had a live band, a Minute to Win It contest, a crazy cooking segment and Zone TV (a filmed “variety show” piece that is usually funny and reinforces the message.)  As the team moved from all this energetic creativity that points to the week message, they got into the Bible.  It is no wonder that I hear from parents how their kids know the Bible stories and applications when they come out of the Zone. Those principles are reinforced from the moment they walk in the door.

As I was left, I thought, “GFC has come a long way from when I did Children’s ministry.”  Then, I thought, “What a huge win for GFC to grow into an even more effective way of reaching kids and families.”  Pastor Mike Moore and all of his team are doing amazing work.  They have taken it to a level that I haven’t seen in most of America.

Here is a crazy side note:  I am not sure if I could celebrate that win ten years ago. I would have struggled celebrating someone else’s win.  I would have thought about all the things I did and justified it to be “just as good and important.”  Honestly, it’s not.  It is way better.  But, why would I struggle.  Because I want others to think I was good at what I do…I needed their affirmation to make myself feel better about me and my ministry.  As long as I have that need (we all have it – but there is a difference between healthy and unhealthy), I will let the approval of others drive my “success.”  When we can truly take the “self” out of the equation, we are free to do our best without the compulsion of seeking others approval.  And, we can genuinely celebrate the other person’s win.  Now, that is a “win – win.”

Is this an area you have struggled with in your life?  Ten years ago, I dealt with the insecurity of needing others approval.  The freedom from that has transformed my view of myself and those I do life with.  So honestly ask yourself, “Can I genuinely celebrate someone else’s win?”

This week starts a new series at Grace Family on giving.  As I was praying for our pastor and team, it struck me – “I have only done one sermon on giving to adults.”  I have taught about giving when I was a children’s pastor and one time when I filled in as our youth pastor, but only once to adults.

It was long ago.  The church sanctuary was the gym.  As the band finished their practice, Craig and I were in our offices getting ready for service.  He came in with a folder and said, “I have to go to the hospital.  Things have taken a turn with my dad.  I gotta go.  Here are my notes.”  He left. YIKES!  He was teaching on tithing.  I looked at the clock – service started in less than 30 minutes.  One thing I have learned in my years at GFC is how to read Craig’s writing – believe me, it isn’t easy.  On this night, nothing made sense.  I went to the outline.  Some answers I knew; others made no sense.  I read the outline and began to make my own.  I read through all the verses and wrote a thought next to each one as I heard the worship leader welcoming everyone to the service.  I read through it a couple times and jogged into the sanctuary.  As I made my way up to the front row, I told myself, “Slow down.”  As the last song was finishing up, I prayed, “God, you are going to have to do this.  I have never been so unprepared.”

I got up on stage and told the audience that Craig had an emergency and had to leave.  Then I said, “We are going to make it snow in here.  Wad up your outlines and throw them all into the aisles because they are totally different than what I am going to preach.”  The congregation was pretty stunned by Craig’s departure, but when the first “snow ball” flew, it broke the ice and finally a bunch were flying.  We all got a good laugh and we settled into the sermon.  I can’t tell you my points, my stories or even if it was that good.  I can tell you this – God showed up.  He gave me the words, the illustrations and courage to do it.  I know God touched hearts and we were able to minister to people in the prayer time at the end.  When I got home that night, after the adrenaline wore off, I threw up…twice.  When Craig came back in the next morning, he made me do it on Sunday morning since I had already done it.

Lesson learned – God shows up in our time of need.  God can use where you are right now, with the gifts and talents you have right now, in the situation you are in right now and do something amazing.  You might not think you are ready, but you can do this.  God will help you…you don’t go alone.

February 1, 2015 was a big day for me.  It was my twentieth anniversary of being at Grace Family Church.  When I started at this little church in a strip mall off Gunn highway with 125 people, I never knew all that God was going to do.  It has been a true honor and joy serving with Pastor Craig and Debbie Altman.  They are the best!  I am blessed to serve with a staff, existing and those no longer with us, who want to make an impact for Christ and help people.  I am humbled by our volunteers and leaders – who knew so much gifting and talent would take up the mantle of serving and do it with such love and compassion for others?  Finally, to those who call GFC their home church, thank you!

I thought a lot about how to write the rest of this blog.  I decided to go with the most basic lesson I learned in the last twenty years.  Here it is – “You matter to God.”  Sounds so simple.  Yet, this lesson sums up everything I have learned in my time at Grace.  I can’t say I believed this when I came down in 1995 from Orlando.  I came with a whole different view of leadership.  I remember the day Craig pulled me into his office and said, “You are doing a great job but I need you to do one thing…Change your face.  You are so busy doing your tasks on the weekend, that people think you are angry.  Slow down, smile and it will still get done.”  Those words still come to mind when I get busy on a weekend.

I have found the joy recognizing the value of people.  Everyone has value – whether you are the greatest person or the one who requires a lot of effort and work.  I have learned the joy of coming alongside people and helping them in their journey with God.  All of us are growing.  When I see someone knocking it out of the park, I have learned to celebrate their wins.  If someone has questions, I try to help them find answers.  I love helping connect people with others who can help them grow.  I am amazed by people pretty easily – so much gifting and talent out there.  I grow so much by interacting people. (If you thought no one was watching, I was and I became a better husband, father and leader because of it.)  I have spent time with some of the most brilliant, successful people in their fields and walked away empowered.  I stood with tears rolling down my cheeks watching someone extend a loving hand to someone in need.  I am so much more of a person because of the people that intersect with my life.

You matter to God…cool saying but a much deeper principle.  To the twenty-seven year old pastor, with a beautiful wife and three kids under the age of seven, who left all their family back in Orlando, many years ago –you do…you truly matter to God and to us.  Thank you!